jolie laide

jolie laide

I started this when I lived in Brooklyn and struggled for grace in a city that grants moments of beauty and ugliness breathtakingly close to one another. Now I live in a place where things are a different kind of ugly and the beauty is pedestrian. I struggle with that.


I'm not sure how I got here. I mean, I do know exactly how, I was fully awake for all of it. And what I am doing is the most valuable thing I can do in this life. But it keeps bumping around in my head that I have made the transition from someone who makes art to someone who consumes it. It's not like I get to consume it very often, even, and when I do, it is not as enjoyed as when I make it myself.

I live in a place where human interaction doesn't really happen. Peoples cars interact with each other, peoples shiny happy interacts with each other. I work in a place where people think they are good because they do good. It's the laziest kind of self-satisfaction I have ever seen. I haven't met a real person yet, one that if I flipped them over wouldn't reveal their cardboard backing.

In my garden in Brooklyn the new vines have grown over up over the barbed wire. There is a new bakery opening up around the corner. I wonder what it will smell like in the room I used to sleep in, the room with red walls.


Blogger slickaphonic said...

my heart clenched into a fist when i read this. moving angst? you can come to DC and visit if you'd like; we can take the china town bus up to your bakery your vines your red walls.

california can be terribly difficult for real humans.

12:05 PM  
Blogger ttractor said...

I'm glad you are back in the land of the living. And what an awesome place DC must be right now!

I'll find my tribe, I'm sure. As soon as I find time to look for them...

2:43 PM  
Blogger slickaphonic said...

party in the streets like i've only seen in movies. friendliest stranger exchanges Eh-Ver since the win.

yeah, i'm kind in the land of the living--i'm on the job market this year, so am really half-dead with anxiety.

i wish i could choose my own adventure and read the last page to see how each adventure ends...

4:47 PM  
Blogger ttractor said...

I just assumed you left this coast for a job! Doh!

Pssst....don't skip to the end of the story! That's the part where you die!

11:23 PM  
Blogger slickaphonic said...

hmm, could i skip to the next chapter?

been reading. and enjoying. and strangely missing a woman i've not yet met in real-life.

6:28 PM  
Blogger ttractor said...

I miss the both of you. And the part of me reserved for writing this. I miss her a lot. I'm sorry I don't have more in me. It is safe to say that I love the reason I came to California, but I don't love California at all.

11:16 PM  

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