jolie laide

jolie laide

I started this when I lived in Brooklyn and struggled for grace in a city that grants moments of beauty and ugliness breathtakingly close to one another. Now I live in a place where things are a different kind of ugly and the beauty is pedestrian. I struggle with that.



Blogger cherrydragonut said...

It is the Jewish New Year, a time of being inscribed in the book of life, a time of fasting, lighting yahrzeit (candles) for the dead, a time of membership in affiliated synagogues, attonement from one's sins. And I am reminded of how little I feel I belong in any of my worlds. I miss people who no longer show up for me. I miss asking them to care. I was up late last night writing a term paper because I didn't have the heart to cut a conversation off with a friend who was forced to retire from a job she held for 26 years. It is a divorce. Now I am exhausted and my sleep cycle is off. The paper is about the hazards of tamoxifen and Herceptin, two breast cancer drug treatments. Tamoxifen prevents estrogen from entering breast tissue and stimulating breast cancer cells, and is being recommended for prevention even though the side effects include possible blood clots and cancer of the uterine lining. Herceptin binds to receptors on cancer cells that signal the cells to divide. It's presence blocks the signals and inhibits breast cancer cell growth. It seems to bind only to the breast cancer cells and oncologists believe it to be less risky. I feel that drug therapy is treating human flesh like segregated machine parts and is tackling cancer as a problem that needs to be attacked or fixed instead of a response to a toxic or condusive to cancer environment. It's a core science class, hopefully my final class before graduating if I can clear up my transcript and post two A's from long ago that have dropped off. I suppose my lesson is to politely resolve these administrative glitches with out blaming people or breaking into a rage. Without breaking out of the box, I have to take something like six actions following a procedure. I wish I didn't default to the guy who dumped me when I am tired like this. I dreamed he and a mutual acquaintance were shaking hands, in a pact that I would never know. I feel excluded, miserable, tired. I must go home and nap so I can rewrite my last page.

5:11 PM  

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