jolie laide

jolie laide

I started this when I lived in Brooklyn and struggled for grace in a city that grants moments of beauty and ugliness breathtakingly close to one another. Now I live in a place where things are a different kind of ugly and the beauty is pedestrian. I struggle with that.


I‘ve got a new soundtrack crashing through my head on tonight’s run. It’s not as harsh and fast as usual, but it is beats with intent. That passion is pulling me along the streets narrowed and rimmed with a collar of stubborn snow, making me juke ice drifts stretch to leap cold stands of water. I am mouthing the lyrics and when they sing love I touch the tip of my tongue to the edge of my front teeth and it is delicious and fierce and I am lit up.

This is the day that once my whelping bitch of a mother spread her legs not to receive my twisted stick of a father but to issue me forth. What my mother had wanted was an abortion, she would tell me, without apology, when I was eleven. By the time I was seven my father had decided I was no longer a worthy investment, making his initial intercession to get me born seem like a simple cruelty waiting to be paid forward.

Tonight my only companion is a fuzzy crescent moon and that is the way I want it. He is rolled over on his back, exposed, and if he had the guts to come down here and face me I would grab him by his horns, wrestle him down, and tear out his belly with my teeth, the same teeth I tap with my tongue when I say the word love.


Blogger Dr. S said...

I say Happy Birthday, Ttractor. You're gorgeous when you're fierce, and you're gorgeous when you're gentle. And when you're both at the same time? Watch out.

12:45 AM  
Blogger fortycalibernap said...

part of me says leave her alone in this.

another part of me says 'goddamn. that's strong. nobody should ignore shit like that.'

so guess who i ended up listening to.

3:33 AM  
Blogger ttractor said...

thank you Dr. S! I could not help but notice the difference between my bithday post and your last one...I like being able to stand near your joy, so thank you for that.

7:28 AM  
Blogger ttractor said...

40cal, thank you for that, too. I'm really quite fine. I haven't been able to go running for three weeks and combine that with the day, and I was seriously pent up. Write it, release it, it's gone. And I also understand that sometimes I have to give myself another dimension here, tap anger that is not pretty, not flattering, but fair to who I actually am.

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better fierce, better angry. You're like one of Dr. S's birds, struggling in a net of words. Beautiful and terrible. The angel wings were a nice irony, but what better to do on your birthday than act your rage?

8:58 AM  
Blogger ttractor said...

thank you anon. What better? Well, I did eat some really fine cheese. One nicely aged whose rank goat smell was clever camoflage for it's mild taste, and a bleu that mentholated my palate and left it charmingly scorched. Woo!

12:25 PM  

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