jolie laide

jolie laide

I started this when I lived in Brooklyn and struggled for grace in a city that grants moments of beauty and ugliness breathtakingly close to one another. Now I live in a place where things are a different kind of ugly and the beauty is pedestrian. I struggle with that.


The light in my bedroom this morning is the sweep of brushes over the head of the snare drum. I am up too early again, eyes open to vague grey. I spent a decent portion of last week running around like a fawn with its head stuck in a pail, running blind, quivering with fear. I had hoped it would be over with by now.

Fear has been on the back burner, then the front, then setting my dress on fire for several weeks. I have my usual sources, I know them, see them, but recently they have arrowed in from so many different directions I have no room to turn. I lose faith in myself, I shame myself with my flailings, I stop looking for something beautiful every day.

Well, and that would truly make the world look grey, right there. Inside my inky universe, where a spoon is my lover, the sidewalk is a palette, street lights are a ladder, I have neglected my precious collection, forgotten for a moment how to carefully curate for joy. So today, despite ashy heaps of tired snow, a heavy flat sky I will look for something charming or graceful or hotly alive. If I capture it, I will tell you.


Blogger Dr. S said...

Thursday I will arrive in your vicinity. We can look for beauty together, if you'd like. My fears have been getting big lately, too. Come walk in gardens with me!

12:44 AM  
Blogger ttractor said...

oh, yes, of course! This weekend promises good weather. Email me and we'll synch up. Whoopee!

11:18 AM  
Blogger VelVerb said...

Fear...nasty little bugger.

12:24 AM  
Blogger ttractor said...

yeah, no shit. and some mounmental stuff, not unlike what you are facing.

6:15 PM  

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