jolie laide

jolie laide

I started this when I lived in Brooklyn and struggled for grace in a city that grants moments of beauty and ugliness breathtakingly close to one another. Now I live in a place where things are a different kind of ugly and the beauty is pedestrian. I struggle with that.

5.16.2008

I am putting stamps on envelopes at the dining room table when I feel sweat sliding down the back of my leg. I don't realize that I can look up the weather until it's 5pm already, and now only 99 degrees. He says it's not uncommon for writers to stop when they are happy. Happy is a state I can express, it is satisfaction that is more dangerous, more torpid. That, and getting entangled in the petty thievery of dignity, the daily jockeying for worth that seems to be an entire current or currency here. People who tell you everything they think of you, or that they refuse to think of you at all, in the way they park their car, the placement of their yoga mat in a crowded classroom, the position of their feet in the line at the gourmet food counter. It could make me mean and intolerant, and I know I have to keep reaching back to moments over the winter, when I felt gratitude and joy in the simple, relieving act of caring.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Velvet Verbosity said...

I am late commenting on this post, but it struck me on a multitude of levels so comment I shall.

I can only glean who you are and what your life is like from these little snippets. Yet I know a part of you as I know myself.

"Writers stop when they are happy". This is my greatest fear. That I will be happy and no longer want to write that which I have yet to write. What a tragedy that would be.

And yet...and yet. Tasha Tudor, who yes wrote children' books, was as happy as happy can be and she still created art. Why should art need to be tortured? Why should the artist need to be tortured? Why can not the artist write or create with happiness?

9:07 PM  
Blogger ttractor said...

I think I can write about happiness, I mean, I think I already have. I'm really worried about getting complacent, I think. Not pushing, not trying, not looking.

I am starting back to work again in late July or early August, my office in the Tenderloin, and I think I have an idea for an art project to go with it.

Hey, I don't visit your site so often because it crashes out my puter. Not sure why. Are you buggy over there? I miss you!

1:18 AM  
Blogger Velvet Verbosity said...

Huh, I've had a few other people complain, but then I know I have lots of readers that never have a problem. Ugh, I'm such a luddite, I don't know! Are you using Firefox?

10:44 AM  

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