at some point today i realize i am numb. it could be the spike in temperature. the bedroom, with it's evening sun, didn't cool down much at all. rolling through the night i wake to find our skin stuck together. i know he hates to be hot, so i'd like to move away. but i'm not sure if putting space between us would be absorbed into a vulnerable unconsciousness as abandonment, so i lay awake, breathing like a lizard, trying not to move. in the morning i feel like i am missing half my spine, like my legs are filled with pea gravel.

or it could be the time spent at the soul suck of the car dealership waiting room. mr oh so enlightened birkenstock is trying not to look at my tits because that would be un-zen of him. he is replaced by a pair of biddies, exchanging getting to know you stories, common interests beyond toyotas. marty used to be named martha, but then changed it, and added an e at the end for some reason linked to her chi and the universe really giving a damn about her.

or it could be the woman at the end of the weekly highway run. the one who wishes i didn't exist. if i could simply conveniently die, 30% of her problems would go away, at least. i'm not going to do that, however. i am going to stand here in line at the grocery store and watch the round retired lady watch each of her items all the way into the bag and quickly eagle-eye the read-out to make sure she doesn't go over $20 in charges, which she pays for with a clean, unfolded $100 bill.