jolie laide

jolie laide

I started this when I lived in Brooklyn and struggled for grace in a city that grants moments of beauty and ugliness breathtakingly close to one another. Now I live in a place where things are a different kind of ugly and the beauty is pedestrian. I struggle with that.


Yesterday I wore a red dress patterned with cherry blossoms and for hours and hours sat in the sun under the blossoming cherry trees and laughed and drank beer and walked and made jokes that would be impossible to share.

Today I look in the mirror and I am wearing the inverse of that red dress, my white skin a ghost of where the dress lay and a red sunburn where it was not. And I laugh at myself as this was predictable but I just did not care.

There is a man with ginger colored hair on the train, the same orange as his t-shirt. He is hip and sliding into middle-age, his face rounding out with contented fat, of no longer playing games of pick-up soccer in the park, and when he looks down I can see his father in his face, his grandfather, his generations of unbroken.

A soft bump against my hand on the pole and I look over to see a short woman fiddling with her CD player, her breast carelessly pressing against me as the train jumps into motion. It happens again, and again, and she does not look at me or even shrug an acknowledgement and I wonder would she be so unconcerned if I were a man and what would it take for me to become visible to her, for my presence to matter.


Blogger famjaztique said...

How many red dresses do you own dearest? You're inspiring me to go out and get one for myself.

6:54 PM  
Blogger ttractor said...

now I have three! And perhaps I will get more...I am determined that if the man who will love me for the rest of my life is out there, he will be sure to see me! Of course, if it is Stevie Wonder, I am going about this quite wrongly...

(also, I am a dork. which we have established abundantly. I have no idea what colors I do look good in, I only know that red works, so I am working it)

7:22 PM  
Blogger famjaztique said...

I haven't seen you in these red dresses of course, but I can tell that they would work with your hair and skin. So yeah, work it!

8:14 PM  
Blogger slickaphonic said...

You should have grabbed.

I bet you would have shed your invisibility cloak then.

8:26 PM  
Blogger slickaphonic said...

oh, forgot to say--verrry nice picture.

9:07 PM  
Blogger ttractor said...

thanks! inscrutable, no? I went out to get lunch, and there are these two plants, napping in parallel against this red wall. huh.

9:10 PM  

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